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im hiding again 
tryna fight a battle that my mind cannot win 
im trapped, alone and scared of what i see 
its a image, but its not me 
i’ve constantly tried to understand who i am 
but no mirror, no words, no one can define me 

i’ve conformed to the worlds of a small simple minded society 
gave up my freedom to be their version of what me is supposed to be 
how can i live, and be happy, when im not sure who i am 
how can i survive when i dont know how to live 
how can i grow, when i dont have the tools to learn 
how can i make them understand, what my own mind cant 

my mind is my haven, its filled with realness 
only in my head am i allowed to be free 
i’ve spent sleepless nights trying to figure out, who exactly is me 
demented, is my thoughts 
deranged is my mindframe 
an enigma of what my heart says 
a exponent at the gift of creativity 
but yet i still havent learn to be me 

my walls are cavin ive tried to say goodbye 
endgame, but i was too scared 
had an angel, my strength, calling me back 
holding me when i couldnt go on lettin me know that it wasnt wrong 

yet, I couldnt face what i had become 
my image was a reflection of someone 
it wasnt me, cuz i didnt know me 
it was the person, who i thought i could be 
kontained, wraped in chains, 
forced out, by a willpower stronger than my own 
who i am not can no longer live on 

to survive i have to break free, dissassocaite the chains that bind me 
with eyes 
filled with pain and sorrow 
i rise like a phoenix 
full of promise for tommorrow 
kontained i am not, exiled i am 
a fighter with a strong will 
leaving but never actually leaving 
finding a balace between wanting and needing 
I fly

im visualizing, rooftops, legs interwined, hands roaming, my hair, ur hair 
suddenly, remembering that i am with you, smiling, looking up thanking the stars 
that they aligned, that our signs, our moon, is equal 
you are wit me, and i with you 
endless nights of dreams visions of u, next to me, me cuddled under u 
our pieces fitting together, like a puzzle 
i wasnt supposed to like u, this way 

but if falling feels this good, ill take it repeated infinity 
you, me, slow steady simple beats, smooth drum patterns, light guitar riff 
making sweet poetry with our besos, Te quiero conmigo 

not worrying about the past, not concerned with the future 
just focused on us building, our great wall together 
know im all about you, and only you 

I’m havin an emotional meltdown at finding out the truth 
I gave u all the affection and care I thought u needed 
Obviously it wasn’t enough. For u 
Its funny how what happens in the dark comes to light 

Me being your woman, she being your wife 
Strung along like the strings of a lonely guitar 
Sitting alone by the window waiting, watching, in hopes of seeing your car 
Wondering why u came and called under the safety of darkness 
Or why you couldn’t stay long enough to sleep 
Thinking I had special privileges in UR life 
Turns out that wasn’t so, I was just your sideline….HO 

mentally I paint envious pictures: silhouettes of u and her 
No. I cant stand, no I wont stand for u and her 
endless thoughts of u and me, constantly interrupt my brain, 
me screaming out your name, as u bring me to exotic bliss 
clouds what clear thoughts that I have 

How much of a fool could I have been 
Giving me sufficient amounts of your time 
So I wouldn’t complain 
There was no way to know u didn’t care for me 
I allowed you to manipulate my heart… 
Damn my emotional disability for the confused and dishonest… 
You saw me as a target & aimed your arrow w/out warning… 
I’m left to suffer in this crippled state of distress… 
Peeping in the mirror wanting u still to fill up my nest 

this love I have for u Cant be Real 
when you say you love her 
I know u do 
and yet my love for u still burns deep like a fire on its last log, 
so powerful, so heated but consumed, 

after everything, I still want you

She’s sinking, 
caught in a mental undertow, 
no line can save her from self 
unlike the phoenix, theres no dust for her to rise from. 
only hardships and pain to crawl through 

Struggles….. 
tryna become the woman that lies inside of her, 
tryna find a safe mind. strong mental capacity 
maybe she’ll pull a britney and go crazy 
shave her head, snort some lines, 
blame it all on tryna have a good time 
when the high comes down. theres only one thing she’ll see 
Her…or is it a image of her, 
who u want her to be? 
or who she’s aiming to be 
tryna please a million people but she can only be one 

Trapped….. 
in a mirror someone anyone let ger out 
dreams dying, lonely nights crying, 
can u help her?……To 
find the peace that sets her free, 
she’s got so much to say, 
no pen, no pad, her body becomes the paper 
lines zig zagged crisscrossed…… 

PAIN…… 
read between the lines. long sleeves in summertime 
its a safe haven, needls, razors. pills, coke 
the lethal combination of an abusive dope 

Mindset……… 
unstable mentals, battered soul. eyes so weary so many stories told 
many nights she often wonders why 
this…….. 
life is her dramatic tragedy 
mentally coming up for air 
she strives to get out of this mental jail 

what happens to a broken child 
whose dreams are crushed beyond repair 
with wings not yet healed so she can fly

My personality reflects my emotions that at times cannot be contained 
i often say things with so much venom that they often seem obscene 
i hide behind this image of how u envision i should be viewed 
yet that vision, in a mirror is so construed 
many arguments have no roots, coming from places not yet found 
simply having no point, but us just going round for round 
inside i still care, but somehow it never seems right 
i make excuses just to take flight 

the feeling of your absence frightens my existence and leads me to question my actions: 
Is she worth losing you over? 
Is it all circumstance that our trust levels are no longer in tack? 
because i overstepped my boundaries 
my pride lets me slide, 
what you don’t know will never hurt you 
little to to no willpower, allows me to be stubborn 
at times i convince myself that everything i do is right 
but knowing everything done in the dark comes to light 
still somehow someway i allow myself to be sucked into another’s arms 
my actions i say are unintentional, 
my selfishness wont allow me to be a woman 
just to admit the truth 
i know there are times you wonder 
if what i say is real 
because i often speak with contradiction 
and at those times i even see my own reflection with affliction 
Meaning……. 

This is not the woman that I am, nor the woman i want to be 
Even when i’m engrossed in the deception of my words and lies 
for all the hurt, the drama, the suspicions and tears that i have caused, 
and all that may come 

help me become the woman that you know i can be 
I pray that you have the strength to look past it and see that 
My…….. my world is built around you 

Beautiful Struggle 
I love her 
I see her 
I feel her pain 
her melodies playin sad songs in my head 
Bringin tears to my eyes 
A pain tearing through my heart 
I wanna hold her, 
Tell her its gonna be ok 
I wanna lay wit her 
Lookin up at her, letting her know she is loved 

I love her more than she’ll ever know 
but how can i when i always get 
Questions and Doubts 
Why do you care? 
You don’t care 
You can’t care 
You dont love me 

So many 
hurt her 
I hurt her 
scorned her for life 
I would love to say not for life 
because it can be broken 
her pain can be broken through 
will she let me show her 
real love 
true love 
let her know she is worthy of it 
why wouldn’t she be 
because they said she wasn’t 
sorry they were mistaken 
that her dreams cant become reality 
that soulmates are what we truly are 
don’t let them take the joy from inside you I know is there 
I remember ur smile 
I miss it 

just once 
cry 
its ok 
pride can be a bad thing sometimes 
cry in front of me 
let me hold you till you stop 
i will cry with you if you need me to 
i already have 

your angry 
this i know 
anger, 
pain, 
hurt 
i wish i could be the one to make these all go away 
i so do 
but do you want them to go ? 
or do you want them to stay ? 
i see you asking for help 
but not knowing what to say or even how to say it 
i feel ur tears wanting to fall down but you not allowing them to 
let them fall 
let them hit the floor 
cry till you cant cry anymore 
let it all out 
get rid of them 
get rid of the pain 
the hurt 
Let me take away the pain 

when we merged 
our two 
became one 
Know that Ur not alone 
Im always here 
ur struggle is mines 
Together it is ours: 
Our beautiful struggle

My notebook and I are at a stalemate
Seeing the whites in my page
Is like a graffiti artist canvas
Just waiting to be tagged
Each time I try 
It throws lines back at me
Laughing 
At what my thoughts have become
my words mimic me
Imitating the thoughts that I’m tryna conceive 
Mocking me as I play with similes
Toying with metaphors
Its not easy anymore 
tryna get these words to flow
like the waves of the Mississippi
crashing into the lines of my paper
but they don’t
and I’m left staring at an empty canvas
with visions of masterpieces forming in my head
patiently waiting for their moment to be free